About Garbage Opinion
A publication of conviction, integrity, and several other words we have been advised by counsel not to use in this paragraph.
Garbage Opinion was founded on a simple premise: that one man's garbage is, in fact, another man's opinion, and that this transitive relationship constitutes a viable business model. Our newsroom operates twenty-four hours a day, six hours a day, in shifts. We are committed to the highest standards of journalism that we are aware of and willing to attempt.
Our reporters travel the world (within a six-mile radius of the office, depending on bus schedules) to bring you exclusive reporting on the stories that matter, and also the other stories. We have covered every major event of our short tenure, sometimes after it happened, occasionally before it was confirmed to have happened at all. Our standards are stringent: every story is filed, edited, and published within minutes of being invented.
The Editorial Board
Brick Talbot, Senior Correspondent. Brick once won an award and will tell you about it. The award was for a 1994 high-school yearbook layout. He wears a press lanyard at all times, including in the shower, and has filed two stories from a hospital waiting room while waiting to be seen for what he describes as "a journalism injury."
Marjorie "Marj" Pell, Distinguished Guests Editor. Marj books the guests. The guests, in many documented cases, do not know they are guests. Marj maintains a Rolodex which she will not explain to anyone under 40. She has secured Garbage Opinion's three most prestigious interviews to date, all of which are currently subject to ongoing legal review.
Dr. Wayland Blathers, PhD, Science Correspondent. The PhD is in an unrelated field which he prefers not to discuss. Dr. Blathers begins every sentence with the word "actually" and has not been wrong about the trivia in any of his pieces, though we are still gathering data on the implications. He hates other scientists, especially the ones on television, and he is sure that next week is finally his week.
Chesapeake "Cheez" Donaghy, Lifestyle & Culture. Cheez writes reviews. The things she reviews she has, in most cases, not seen. Her reviews are nevertheless quoted regularly in real publications, an outcome that the editorial board describes as "not technically our fault." She files her copy from her car, where she lives, by choice (according to her) and necessity (according to her landlord).
The Intern, Unpaid. The intern is the only person in the newsroom doing actual work. The intern's name is the intern. The intern has, on three separate occasions, been bylined as "I HAVE TO GO." The intern is fine. The intern will be fine. We have asked the intern repeatedly and the intern has confirmed.
Submissions
Garbage Opinion does not accept submissions. We do, however, accept tips, and will use them without verification. Send your tip to a tin can attached to a string attached to another tin can which is in our newsroom, possibly. Tips will be taken seriously and immediately misinterpreted.
Corrections
Garbage Opinion does not issue corrections, as a matter of editorial policy and also of pride. If you believe a story we have published is incorrect, you may submit a Letter We Will Then Invent A Response To, which will be published in our regular Letters We Invented section.