EXCLUSIVE!!
WORLD EXCLUSIVE Area Man Mumbles Something Or Other
Crack team of lip readers deployed to determine the precise content of one local man's increasingly cryptic park-bench whisperings.
EXCLUSIVE
Area Man Says "I Burned Those Down Years Ago" To Wrong People At Wrong Time
A stark miscommunication leaves one local man in the hospital, somewhat philosophical about the whole situation.
EXCLUSIVE REPORT
Report: Your Ex-Girlfriend Had Amazing Sex Last Night
Sources confirm she has finally shaken off the last remnants of emotional debris leftover from your doomed relationship.
INTERNET TREND
Quick! Can You Stop Voting For Assholes Before The Time Runs Out??
The hottest new game on the internet challenges you to make a single mental switch from "VOTE FOR ASSHOLE" to "DO NOT VOTE FOR ASSHOLE" for any period of time at all.
TRAGEDY
Momentous Incident Diminished By Co-Worker's Poor Re-Telling Of Events
What was almost certainly the most important thing that has ever happened to local accountant Brad Stencher has been almost entirely robbed of its cosmic significance, sources confirm.
LITERATURE
George R. R. Martin Reveals Sansa Was Ned Stark The Whole Time
In a long-awaited update to the upcoming novel, the fantasy author confirms a twist that has been building since the late 1990s, and which does not appear in any draft of the book.
DISTINGUISHED GUEST
Martha Stewart To Appear On New Season Of Dancing With The Stars With Teen Heart-Throb Jason The Shark
Insiders are calling it "a casting decision that absolutely will not be regretted." Jason The Shark is, for clarity, a literal great white shark.