If you’ve never played cornhole with a troupe of macaques, you can stop reading right now. This isn’t for you. Click off this article. Go back to your life of regular cornhole, with humans, with rules, with bean bags that are not stolen halfway through the third inning by a small primate who can run faster than you and is offended by something you said.
For the rest of you — the brave few — here are five things only YOU will understand.
1. The bean bags get fewer. They start with eight. By inning two, you have six. By inning four, you have a yelling contest. By inning seven, the macaques have built a small fort.
2. Scoring is not technically scoring. The official rules of cornhole stipulate one point for “on the board” and three points for “in the hole.” With macaques, points are awarded based on factors no human has ever been able to articulate, including but not limited to “respect,” “the way you held your face,” and “did you bring fruit.”
3. There is no winning. There is only “negotiated cessation.”
4. You will leave with one less ring. Just one. Always one. Not the most expensive, but a sentimental one.
5. They will remember. And they will be back. And next time, they have brought their cousins.
If you found yourself nodding along to this list, please reach out to the Garbage Opinion newsroom. We are putting together a support group, and we are out of bean bags.