Local man Brad Stencher witnessed what he describes as “literally the most important thing that has ever happened to a person, ever,” last Tuesday at the regional accounting firm where he works. The incident, while it involved Stencher, has been almost entirely robbed of its cosmic significance by the way his co-worker Patricia keeps telling the story.
“It was incredible,” Stencher told Garbage Opinion in an exclusive, hour-long interview. “There was a moment of pure, transcendent — anyway, Patricia was there too.” His face fell visibly. “Patricia is going to tell you next.”
When pressed for details, Stencher explained that he had originally hoped the story would become his “thing” — the incident he could trot out at parties for years to come, perhaps even read aloud at his eventual funeral. Patricia, however, has begun retelling the story to anyone who will listen, including the FedEx guy and a man at the gym who very pointedly did not want to hear it.
“I forget how it ends now,” Patricia told us, brushing some lint off her cardigan. “Brad was there, I think. There was a thing? I’ll have to ask Brad next time I see him, if I remember.”
Stencher confirmed that he is now considering taking up cycling as a personality, “because the moment is gone, and it’s never coming back.”
“It is over. It is over and Patricia killed it.” — Brad Stencher
The Garbage Opinion team is investigating whether this kind of tragedy could be prevented through new HR policies, or perhaps a witness relocation program for the people who witness life’s most important moments. We will continue to bring you developments, assuming Patricia doesn’t get to them first.